The first few days after my positive pregnancy test were… well… awful.
All I did was cry, try to sleep, cry, try to eat, cry and cry some more.
And a little more.
I was absolutely devastated.
I was afraid.
And I was embarrassed.
I didn’t think there was any way I could ever tell anyone. Ever.
A little piece to the puzzle that might be helpful, for those who do not know me, is that I had been in full-time ministry for almost all of my adult life. At the time of my pregnancy, it had been less than a year since resigning my most recent ministry position.
Most people knew me as a really “good girl”.
What would they think of me now?
Some people knew me as a mentor.
I hope this doesn’t crush them.
A few of my co-workers new me as a former pastor.
They’ll think I’m just another hypocrite.
Family members were proud of my strong morals.
They’re going to be so disappointed in me.
I was consumed with thoughts of how other people would react – what they would think of me. And in some cases, what they would think of God or Christians.
These thoughts had paralyzed me.
I really had no intentions of telling anyone. Not for a very long time, anyway. I even entertained ideas of how I could get away with having a baby without anyone knowing. That’s how desperate I was!
Thankfully, God intervened.
I believe that one of the most dangerous things a woman in this situation can do is keep it a secret. It’s hard to think clearly when you are in “crisis mode”. It’s hard to make decisions that will affect you for a lifetime when you can’t see past today.
We need wise counsel to help us sort through the chaos.
Just a couple of days after finding out I was pregnant, I had gone into Starbucks, still in a fog and likely to burst into tears at any given moment.
When I walked in I saw my friend’s husband. We greeted one another and he asked how I was doing. I don’t remember exactly what I said but it was something like, “not good but I’ll be ok”. At this point I was fighting back tears.
By the time my drink order was ready, I had received a text from my friend. I wouldn’t be able to talk for several hours, so I told her that I would call her later.
For the next several hours I thought about what I would say. I debated whether or not I should tell her.
Finally, the time came.
And I told her.
This would be the first of many “I have something to tell you” conversations. And, to be honest, it never got easier. But it always ended in an incredible outpouring of love and support.
I don’t remember what my friend said to me that day but I do remember feeling a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders.
My secret was out and I didn’t feel quite so alone anymore.
I had someone to walk with me as I faced the unknown.
I have thanked God on many occasions for that meeting in Starbucks. I believe it was orchestrated by Him.
He knew exactly what I needed and He led me to my saving grace.