If I knew then what I know now, I would have responded to the news of my pregnancy in a completely different way (like many things in life).
I would have accepted it much faster. I would have rested in the fact that this would be the best thing to ever happen to me.
But I didn’t know, so, I was afraid.
We often fear what we don’t know. And we often reject what we fear.
I didn’t need two little lines on a stick to know I was pregnant. I already knew it.
I needed the lines to accept it. Or more accurately, I needed the lines to force myself to accept it.
I took a pregnancy test on a Monday night.
Two days before that I had felt pretty crummy all day and I made two incredibly stupid mistakes at work. Well, actually… it was the same mistake made twice! I remember thinking, man I’m really off.
On Sunday (the day before my positive pregnancy test) I was standing in a circle talking to some women after church. There were three women besides myself. Two were pregnant and one had just had a baby. I had an overwhelming feeling that I was one of them.
I knew I was pregnant.
I even went home that night and stuffed my dress to look like I was pregnant.
And I cried.
Like I was the leading lady in a Lifetime movie.
On the third day of feeling pretty crummy, I decided to Google my symptoms. I was certain my search results would come back as the flu.
Instead, the first result said in bolded print, “you are definitely pregnant.”
All day long I kept thinking, I can’t be pregnant. I’m not pregnant. There’s no way.
After some conversation with my (now) son’s father, we decided I should take a pregnancy test.
Ok, fine, he decided.
I wanted to “wait until Friday”. I assured him it would all be resolved by then and this would be behind us.
I was in denial.
I knew in my heart that I was pregnant but my head didn’t want to believe it.
Waiting until Friday would have just bought me more time before I had to face the music.
Waiting until Friday would have given me just a little more time to cling to my life as it was. Because I knew it would never be the same.
What I didn’t know was that it would never be the same in the absolutely best possible way. I was about to embark on a journey, as difficult as it would be, leading me to a place of truly indescribable joy.
My heart may have known I was pregnant but what it didn’t know was that it was soon to experience a love it had never known.
A love it could never explain.
A love it could never have imagined.
If I only knew…