As much as I wanted to be a mom, more than anything else in the world, my circumstance was less than ideal. Instead of feeling the excitement of being a parent and the hope of what this new life could bring, I felt overwhelmed and… hopeless.
I had no idea how I could possibly raise a child an ocean away from my loved ones. I didn’t have space for a baby where I lived and I couldn’t afford anything bigger. Who would watch my baby? Who would take me to the hospital? How am I going to tell my family? Who am I going to disappoint?
In retrospect, these questions seem so trivial but at the time they were suffocating me.
I remember the first time in my pregnancy that I felt a glimmer of hope. It was fairly early on and didn’t change the way I felt immediately but a seed of hope had been planted in my heart.
After being denied a trip to the bathroom, which left me in tears, I decided to inform my boss that I was pregnant. I started off with, “It’s not a good thing but…”. In spite of my demeanor she lit up with excitement and said, “This is great news. A baby is always a good thing. Your baby could grow up to be President!”.
Up until that point, I had not thought of my baby in any way other than a reminder of my hurt feelings and rejection or an innocent victim of my poor judgment and bad choices.
But that day, my boss’ comment gave me hope. It gave me something to look forward to.
What would my baby grow up to be?
Hope looks beyond what is and toward what could be.
It is a light in darkness.
Hope changes things.
For me it was a slow process but I held on to that small piece of hope.
The next couple of months were extremely difficult but little by little I started to share my pregnancy with friends and family. And little by little, I started to feel the hope that others spoke of.
The hope that my life would never be the same, and I wouldn’t want it to be.
The hope that I wouldn’t have to do this alone.
The hope that I would never be able to imagine life without my son nor would I ever want to.
The hope that babies have a way of softening even the hardest of hearts.
The hope that God is the Creator of life and He had big plans for this tiny new person.
The hope that, I wouldn’t always feel broken.
All I needed was a little bit of hope… and it changed my life.
Read more about hope and Five Minute Friday here.